it's still me

I wrote this post on my old Xanga site in September of 2007. Look how far I've come (note: sarcasm implied)

(in bold: how I currently feel)

"A Worldly Me

I want a nice house. [Still want this.]
I want a walk-in closet. [The SATC movie didn't make it any better.]
I want to live in the best places in the world. [What did I mean by "best" places? Oh, I must've meant Paris. Wait, I still want to live there...]
I want comfy furniture. [Crate & Barrel. That's all I have to say.]
I want a big, flashy diamond ring. [Hahaha... oh how modest I am.]
I want a huge backyard. [For my dogs!]
I want a laptop. [Bought one. check.]
I want to buy as many dresses as I want. [I still buy so many dresses. I'm getting embarassed.]
I want the latest trends. [I feel so outdated this summer. Bad.]
I want a new haircut. [Just got one this past Saturday.]
I want a nice car. [I've always lusted after the Prius.]
I want a pedicure every week. [Got one on Monday.]
I want to make lots of money. [Still after it. I try to justify it, saying that I'm getting more "realistic" now and we need money.]
I want to travel everywhere. [Still doing it and planning on doing it.]
I want to give back to my family. [Haven't been doing enough of this.]
I want to eat at nice restaurants. [I eat EVERYWHERE. I'm such a pig.]
I want to give my future kids everything that they want and need. [Probably the only pure, selfless intention I have.]
I want nice everything. [Wow.]
I want my name known. [Yea... my goal to work for the UN.. I'm sure this is in there a little bit.]

I want to be on top of the world. [...]


I am certain I will not have all this, but will willingly and happily overlook for the sake of my God who wills for me to be an obedient and extraordinary daughter.

It's only getting better, friends!!"

---

Obviously I'm not any different. I read this and I judge my past self as naive.Surely I must've wrote this with some desire to want to change things. But this shows... I still desire these things, and I still struggle. It only shows that no matter how much I myself will for changes, only God can change me. Inside out.

Change my heart, oh God!

walk two feet, save the world

Note to the inhabitants of this finite place we call Earth:
Just because the Yogurtland spoon says "biodegradable" on the back of it DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD THROW IT ONTO THE SIDEWALK and NOT into a trashcan."

I apologize for my angry rant. I just had to get it out there.

healing

I thought I was ready, but I have a long way to go.

the game has changed

Currently:

• Bracing myself for an especially tough week ahead
  
• Researching D.O. schools (and med schools also)
  
• Set on finishing up my MCAT classes 'til the end of summer
  
• About 95% sure on rescheduling my test in August. Tentatively planning to take it in Baltimore in Jan.
  

This summer will be to:

• devote myself in ministering to my family, David, and friends in LA
• remind myself of the Lord's strength & unwavering faithfulness
  
• "regroup", and tend to my humbled, tired heart for some much needed grieving & healing time.
• prepare my heart, spirit & energy for Hopkins

Friends, thank you for all your thoughtful phone calls, emails, prayers, and text messages. Truly, I am grateful for your outpouring of love and support (and patience!). Thank you for giving me some time - please don't get offended if I don't contact you back quite yet. Know that I am thinking of you, praying for all of you, and excited to write you/talk to you soon.

grandma's with G

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all."

-Isaiah 53:5-6

freedoms

A quote I read on another friend's blog (thanks for sharing this, DLee):

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain

My ability to chase after my wildest dreams has been afforded by my hard-working, self-sacrificing parents who have continually denied themselves to provide me and my brother with the freedom to pursue opportunities. My ambitious nature stems from a v. pure (some people call it naive) understanding that everything and anything is possible. It has been afforded by and in a country whose citizens fought damn hard to make sure freedom is a fundamental, irrevocable right for everyone. And oppression & repression is not a thing-of-the-past only to be found in our history books: institutionalized poverty, racism, genocide, classism, ageism, sexism - all that still exist (sigh) in obvious and not so obvious places. Though this deeply saddens me every stinkin' day of my life, I continue on with the knowledge and excitement that true freedom (and justice) lies at the end of our road.

Exploring, dreaming, and discovering. Freedoms. Thanks, America.
Happy and safe 4th!

cooling the uncool

Things I thought were uncool but I now consider cool:

• Libraries
• Lunch boxes/bags
• Neon
• Working out & the gym
• Eco-shopper bags
• Becoming best buddies with your parents
• Broccoli
• Vitamins
• Wine... and beer :)
• Dollar coins
• The news
• Flourless chocolate cake
• Bow ties
• Star Trek
• Taking the bus
• Tattoos

Things that are still uncool:

• Shoulder pads
• Scrunchies
• Smokers
• POSE pictures at the mall
• Rolling backpacks
• Roller shoes (tennis shoes with rollers on them)
• Bugs/anything creepy crawly

Anything I'm missing? Probably missing a bunch of things... this is just what I remember now.

beloved

Go and make me proud, my beautiful and caring sister. Actually, I'm already so proud of you. You're going to emerge from Emerson as one capable, mature, even more passionate speech therapist. I'm so excited for you, and for the both of us!

Edit: Yellow Vase in Redondo Beach is a darling little restaurant. It's tucked away between some stores and restaurants (across the street from Coffee Cartel). Their breakfast (specifically, their brioche french toast) blew me away, and they also sell baked goods (their macaroons looked tempting) and flowers as well. I HIGHLY recommend this place.

honesty & restoration

An old Xanga post.Wednesday, April 19, 2006, titled "Let's be honest with ourselves."

***

"I wonder how I became so ordinary.

There once was a time in my life where I thought I had it all. I was so busy, breathing seemed like another chore. I was busy working to become a doctor. I was working to achieve the vision that God gave me at Urbana '03. I was working to get into a good college (and here I am) and become the greatest pediatric cardiologist... ever. My life was set. I was good to go. I was at the top of my game.

As I reflect on my three years here at UCLA, I can't help but feel so small and insignificant. You realize you've transitioned at the top of the game to the bottom of the pool. There are people that are, freakishly enough, more over-achieving than you were. If you don't keep swimming, you remain in the deep end of the pool. What happens?

Since I've stopped kicking, sure enough, I'm still at the deep end of the pool. I'm not saying I'm dissatisfied because I should be a part of every single organization on campus. I'm not saying I should be everywhere and do everything. Sure, there have been moments where I want to do everything. However, I wonder why I've become so content in doing very little in the past three years. My world shrank into something that only allows my family, friends, Stroke Force, and my professional future to safely remain. I am glad that those things are the primary focus of my world...

but I realized I've become so jaded. Yes, that's what it is. What is it that I'm working for? Am I focused more on the financial security or my passion to do God's work and help the world? Am I attracted to feeding my appetite for the worldly benefits of becoming the best at whatever I end up doing? Where are the children from that vision? Why is it that when I think of the future, I don't see any children? Why am I hungry for being a somebody in the eyes of the world and not a somebody only in the eyes of God, even if I become a nobody to the world? I disgust myself.

Maybe it's not just me feeling jaded. Maybe somewhere along the line, I lost sight of my passions and dreams. My eyes have shifted on the prize. I still have my passions, but now they do not seem to be manifested in my daily efforts as a student like they were used to.

I read my journal from first year and back then, I was bursting with passion. No matter how defeated I felt, I was constantly resisting. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I was working for. My passion was for kids. I studied thinking about kids. I studied thinking about God. The grades only discouraged me so much.

Honestly... yes, I admit, I do feel defeated and disappointed by the fact that I'm not pursuing medical school at the moment. I was so proud for wanting it so bad for a good 15 years of my life. Now, I am surprised (at myself) for taking risks and exploring different options. Still, I feel incomplete. Everything's risky and insecure. It's very unlike how I would like things to be. Everything's up in the air.

I love how God redirects my heart back to how it was when I first decided to become a doctor. I love how God reminds me of everything I felt when I felt convicted to do long-term work for Him. I love how I'm constantly reminded (thanks, G).

No more being jaded. No more thirsting for worldly pleasures. I know it is when I have redirected my focus to where my passions lie, I will find true joy. I'm bringing it all back to where and how it started. Even if it takes me years to get there, I'm not giving up. Don't worry, I'm still pursuing fashion design right now (this is what starts to confuse everyone). I love fashion and it's worth giving my best. I'm going to do my best. Regardless of whether I become a doctor or just continue being a designer or whatever, my life will be for God's use. My life was designed for purposes greater than my own fleeting ambitions.

Kids, I'll be there soon.

First stop, Cambodia!"

-

And an even older post from my original Xanga account. Saturday, October 8, 2005.

"I usually avoid writing about anything serious, because I don't normally write about serious stuff, but just felt like writing some thoughts while waiting for my laundry to finish.

When is the time that I begin to accept that things are never going to be the same? When people ask me, "Oh... don't you just wish you can freeze time so everything will remain the same?" Of course I do. Isn't that the result of contentment?

It does help thinking that in the end, I will be a better, stronger, developed person than I am now. All the choices (whether I feel at the time they're right or wrong) and happenings of each day lead me in a certain direction, and though at the time it doesn't seem like it's for the better, somewhere in the back of my mind I am comforted by the fact that it really will turn out for the better. Everything is for the better. Ultimately, I will embrace and love the end product of all of my life's joys, hardships, and challenges. The process is so gradual, yet I fall into the constant temptation of thinking that it isn't for the better, that I can have everything that I want now. That as long as life is how I want it right now, that's all that matters.

I am so human. I want everything for the now. I want everything now. Selfish, isn't it? Then I realize that I lack the patience for life and God's crazy plans to unfold. It's all unfolding slowly, but it IS unfolding.

While I am impatient, I also feel very anxious and excited. Excited to see the person I will become. Excited to see and experience more than I can ever imagine. Excited to go to places I've seen on TV or in magazines. Excited to see all my dreams come true, no matter how wild they are.

That, my friends, is how I am going to live my life. I'm diving straight into the depths of my wildest dreams... with my eyes closed. I have no idea where things will take me. And that's scary, but I'm sooo excited. Excited for tomorrow, a brand new day, to come."

***

Currently: reflecting.

fields of gold

These pictures are taken by the photographer (phenomenal, wonderfully creative person) I want for my own future wedding day. I apologize - sharing is caring - but I want to keep him/her my little secret!

eating away my emotions

Any occasion or excuse for me to eat, I will use and exploit it shamelessly. If I'm happy, I eat. If I'm sad, I eat. Since it is past midnight and I really shouldn't eat anything and risk the short-lived peace of a night's five-hour sleep, I will attempt to redirect my current anger/annoyance/frustration/utter disappointment/hopelessnessenergy by thinking about my favorite foods:

(side note: it has been hypothesized and speculated that women, more than men, have a curious and habitual tendency to take pictures of their food. and yes, it is precisely for this purpose.)

giovanni's shrimp truck, north beach, oahu

pork chop with pomegranate glaze, the house restaurant, sf

serendipity's frozen chocolate, ny

belgian waffles with fresh strawberries, terrace cafe, wynn hotel

chicken pesto sandwich, v. sattui winery, napa valley

mango butter with bread, dogwood restaurant, baltimore, md

goood stinkin' frikin chicken, sf, ca

crab cake! (my new diet for the next two years in baltimore)

jalapeno cheese sticks, ruby's diner

red velvet cupcake from that takes the cake, sf, ca

cinnabon. home.

#8 crepe with vanilla bean gelato (fresh strawberries, nutella, vanilla bean gelato), sophie's crepes, sf, ca

oysters rockefeller from cole's chophouse, napa

chicken & chorizo paella. home.

mango ceviche, las brisas, newport beach

total 2% greek yogurt with fresh strawberries, bananas, and honey

$1.50 greek lamb gyro, paros, greece

and, of course, my ultimate comfort food: chicken

I would upload more, but this would take all night.
Okay... so this might've made you hungry, but I'm feeling a bit more positive now!

crunchtime

My original MCAT test date is August 6. I fly over to Baltimore on Friday, August 21, which would've given me two weeks of an actual "summer."

I might have to change my test date to my birthday... the 14th of Aug. It might be the right thing to do. Which leaves me with one week of summer/birthday/playtime/packing and preparing to move.

crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap :(

P.S. The thickness of all my books combined (10 inches total) has officially freaked me out. I am freakin freaking out. Bet I got a hernia from carrying a backpack, a handbag, and another bookbag. I have so much to do. I don't miss "south campus" life at ALL.

Sorry, and thank you for listening to my crap.

morning after

Being back home has been such a sobering experience on all levels. I'm sobering up, and while I don't feel like the normal me, a good friend reassured me that I will build character and faith through these trials (thank you). I don't feel like the normal me, but I'll become a better me after all this. Thank you, God.

Love doesn't make sense. God's love seriously doesn't make sense. A pure, trusting love you feel towards someone doesn't make sense. A mother's love may not make sense. Heartbreak doesn't make sense. But I'm figuring out that it's that much more extraordinary because it doesn't make sense. God's so genius for creating the heart outside of the mind.

In other news, my "study break" to Vegas was v. much needed. In Vegas I...

• Found my future bathroom
• Ate breakfast with the birds at the Wynn... and then got crapped on by a bird, but supposedly it is good luck. and it was because...
  
• Won $100 in blackjack, a game I forgot how to play
• Indulged in the Lakers' victory with a bunch of random strangers at the bar
  
• Witnessed an old man grope his wife at the bar. Then he groped the waitress while his wife wasn't looking. Disturbing.
  
• Almost cried during THE perfect meal at Hubert Keller's Fleur de Lys (flourless cake in the "celebration of chocolate" dessert special = my death)
• Went tanning for the first time since I moved down from SF
  
• Almost forgot about my troubles.
• ADD: ate ESCARGOT for the first time in my life.
  

All in all, a wonderful trip. :) Thanks, D.

Two of my favorite people have started their life together by committing in marriage, and that's such a beautiful thing. Congrats, Jeff & Ang.

presence

Has a song ever caught your attention when you weren't paying attention at all (background music a.k.a. radio), and the song stuck out to you so much... so you anxiously wait for the song to end so the radio announcer/DJ would say the title after the song... and he never says it!?

I waited a whole week for the station to play this song again, so I could log into their Last 15 Songs list... and just the night I wanted to hear it, I did! Rejoice!

Hope it touches your heart just as much as it did mine.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

"By Your Side" - Tenth Avenue North

S.A.D.

In early May, I was pretty sad about moving down earlier than I had expected from SF to LA, but one thing that I WAS looking forward to was being back in sunny, warm SoCal weather sooner. I knew I could just lug my books to the beach, lay out and get back to the normal skin tone I used to be, and relax and absorb dense MCAT material...

Except I get here and the weather is all poopy. Ugh. Something's wrong with LA. Something's wrong with CA in general (all those earthquakes and lightning/thunder storms... the heck!)

I'm sorry, LA... I brought the SF weather with me.

S.A.D. is seasonal affective disorder. S.A.D. affects 6.1% of the US population. I have S.A.D. hahaha I laugh now, but weather actually is a huge deal for me. Since it's been gloomy, I noticed my tendencies to get upset, emotional, tired and sleepy, and frustrated. When it's sunny, I'm much cheerful, happier, and more energetic.

For me, deciding on grad school was, to be frank, also deciding on which climate I'd like to commit to for the next two years of my life. I was choosing between institutions such as Berkeley (muggy, spotty sunshine, rainy but still beautiful)... or UCLA (the beach weather you see on The Hills, Santa Monica and Malibu... sunny, no distinct seasons)... or Columbia (nasty summers, frigid winters)... or Baltimore. I'll be getting the nasty winters in Maryland too, but I think I'm a lot better off than being more northeast (like Boston. oh hoice!)

I am honestly v. worried about how I'm going to endure e. coast weather, esp. when I thought SF was friggin' cold, but whether I come back frozen or not, I'm going. I have been asking everyone on how to keep warm for e. coast winters because really I don't know I know what true "winter" is. My uncle from Korea bought me some unsightly, made-for-50+-yr-old-women (God bless his thoughtful soul) long john thermal undershirts and pants, but I don't know if I want to sport that... but who knows, if I freeze enough, I might need to. How should I keep warm? (and please don't suggest Uggs - I've alreadly, and shamefully, succumbed).



Oh, and last tidbit of the night before I go off to slumber: I don't usually get sucked into snazzy, jazzy commercials, esp. for new products like shampoo or face wash. I don't deviate - I know the products that I like, and I stick with them. But I saw the commercial for John Frieda's new Root Awakening line and got intrigued. My hair is fine, and if it really was effective like they claimed, it could do my fine, volume-less hair some good. An extra bonus was the fact that these products were on sale at Target (Target + Tina = death).

I've used this product for over two weeks, and already my hair feels stronger in general, and it looks more shiny and healthy without looking too oily. I'm not a huge fan of the scent though (I think they can do better than the subtle eucalyptus scent they have) but I think it's been great for my hair, and I love seeing the results (a certain male figure in my life doesn't believe me, but really... what guy notices the differences in haircare?).

Let me know if anyone out there ever releases a hair treatment line to alleviate S.A.D. symptoms. And tell them to make it smell like candy, not eucalyptus.

keep me accountable

Posts = Study breaks.

(Grin).

the premiere

Here I am
again.


I made this blog... probably at the worst time imaginable.

Currently, I am...

• not studying enough for impending doom on August 6th.
• not really preparing to fly 3,000 miles over for my master's program.
• putting on a lot of (emotional and spiritual) weight and attempting to shed it off with a pricey summer gym membership to 24
• constantly craving brick toast and milk tea boba, even though I consume both of these regularly throughout the week.
• possibly crying more than laughing
• loving and taking advantage of being merely 11 minutes away (by a car I don't have) from an amazing boyfriend who has been nothing but supportive and grace-filled to me
  
• not engaging with the Lord enough
  
• at home (LA) but not really at home (I seriously left my heart in stinkin' SF). Being here has definitely been a humbling experience.

Okay, so these don't really sound like the pretty things in my life... but it's life (I'll get better, I promise).

My desire to create this (yet again another) blog originated from the realization that has slowly dawned upon me that I'll soon be far, far away from the small communities I've built in CA. I'm off to create another in B'more. But it's extremely exciting... the prospect of adding a new chapter to my life, one that will include fulltime pursuit of public health (and, for the first time in a long time, actually loving what I am doing), and one that will inevitably include nasty snow storms, flight delays, wonderful Baltimore (sarcasm slightly implied), and new adventures all along the e. coast.

Thanks for joining me, my beloveds.